Get me out of this hellhole known as “The Compound.” The place that is supposed to be filled with love and comfort has not been the case for my life. The Compound consists of 4 bedrooms, 3 ½ bathrooms, a swimming pool and poolroom and plenty of room in the two-story house for everyone to have their personal space. Growing up in The Compound has made me feel like I’ve been invisible to others. Now that I’m 24-years-old and still live at home with my parents, I feel as though my existence has no purpose. I question myself, “Why haven’t I accomplished anything yet?” I have yet to figure out the answer and I’m tired of being treated as if I don’t exist. I’m the oldest of three and I think my two younger brothers have better lives than me.
I was about seven years old when I asked my dad, “Dad, do you love me?” and received no response. I asked again just in case he didn’t hear me and I still received no response. Am I invisible? Did I die and not realize I’m a ghost? Why isn’t he answering my question?
I ran around the house looking for my mother and asked her “Can you see me?” She replied, “Yes, why would you ask such a crazy question?”
“Well I just asked dad if loved me and he ignored me.” She then said, “Maybe he didn’t hear you but of course he loves you. Why would you have to ask?”
As the years went on I felt unloved and lonely. I never wanted my brothers to know how I felt so I acted like nothing ever bothered me. I once heard on TV a pastor say, “Are you living or just existing?” I didn’t know what he meant by that, but I was determined to find out.
By the time my thirteenth birthday had come around, I had so much anger built up against my parents. I received a call from some woman wishing me a happy birthday and then telling me she’s my biological mother and that I was adopted as a baby. I dropped the phone and yelled “MOM! There’s some woman on the phone saying she’s my real mom.”
My mom picked up the phone from the ground and said, “Bitch don’t call here no more. What is your problem?” I asked, “What’s going on, who is she?” My mom then told me to sit down as she called my dad and told him to get home as soon as possible. I sat there in suspense eager to know what’s going on as we waited for my dad to get home.
My mom and I were sitting on the couch in the living room by the time he arrived. My heart was pounding faster than normal and my palms were sweaty. My only thought was, “this is the first time in a long time that my parents giving me attention.” My mom started explaining that one of her cousins got pregnant years ago but was unable to keep the baby due to her drug abuse. I was confused and didn’t know why she was telling me this and asked, “Why are you telling me this?”
Because there’s something your father and I need to tell you. After she had the baby, I volunteered to take care of it. I wanted a child but didn’t have a husband at the time to give me one. That child is you.
“What? So you’re telling me that you guys aren’t my real parents?” My mom said, “Yes we are, well not biological but DNA doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why are just now telling me this?” “So that woman who called earlier wasn’t lying? She’s my real mom?”
Mom said, “Unfortunately that is the case.”
I can’t believe this. After thirteen years the biggest secret my parents feared being exposed finally revealed itself. I had no clue what to think and all I could think about is “they don’t really love me.” I felt damaged and scared for life by this secret.
The next three years of my life didn’t seem any different from when I was younger. After finding out I was adopted, I would have thought my parents would be more sensitive to my feelings. I couldn’t count on my brothers for support because they don’t know about the adoption. My parents made me promise not to tell them and I agreed.
My performance in school went down and I barely made passing grades. You would think parents would be concerned about what’s going on, but mine obviously didn’t care too much. The Compound has an evil spirit in the atmosphere and I don’t like it. I’ve never felt at peace in my own home. Hell has surrounded me my entire life I sometimes think if hell itself would be better than what I’m living in.
Living under the same roof with the parents I have has driven me into a deep depression since I was thirteen. I thought about killing myself to take the pain away. I just wish they would tell me every once in a while that they loved me and not act as if I was invisible. What do I have to do get some attention?
By the time I turned 18, I had tried committing suicide twice and they were both failed attempts. The only person to know about it was my brother who’s two years younger than me. He tried talking me out of it but I couldn’t take not being acknowledged or feeling loved by my parents anymore. I eventually told my mom I once tried to kill myself and her initial reaction wasn’t what I expected. She flipped out “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I didn’t expect her to care being that I haven’t gotten much attention from her or my dad in my life. I cracked a smile when she said that because it almost a sign of relief. My cousin Ronnie also somehow found out about the suicide attempt and introduced me to weed. He told me it would solve all my problems and make feel better.
Since then, I’ve smoked weed heavily to numb the pain and get me through day-to-day living at The Compound. My parents hate the fact that I smoke, but never ask what led me to smoke or what is it that I like about smoking. These clowns known as my parents are pitiful. I just wish for one moment they would pay attention to me and at least try to understand what’s going on with me.
I thank God for the invention of weed because it has gotten through the days of being 18 until now at 24 years old. Marijuana makes me feel like I’m cloud 9 with no cares in the world. When I’m high, I don’t think about nothing but feeling liberated. I feel like I can think straight and during one session I remembered the question I heard on TV years ago. “Are you living or are you existing?” I’m just a creature out here in the world living day-to-day and without my weed I wouldn’t be able to survive this hellhole known as The Compound. I hope maybe one day I can start existing, but until then I’m perfectly fine living, getting high and being the invisible man.
I really like the concept of the main character's house as "The Compound." It strengthens the fact that this house has never felt like a home to him (defining "home" as a place where love and care exist).
ReplyDeleteYou do a good job of describing how this place, a place that should be a safe haven for someone, is anything but safe for the main character; there are several parts of the narrative that bring out this idea, most notably this passage:
"The Compound has an evil spirit in the atmosphere and I don’t like it. I’ve never felt at peace in my own home. Hell has surrounded me my entire life I sometimes think if hell itself would be better than what I’m living in."
That being said, the piece yearns for two things: better transitions and grammatical editing. I feel like the piece jumps around to different events that the character recalls without much effort to connect one scenario to the previous one. Sometimes, I find that the transitions between several events seem to present themselves more as a list of examples rather than a story. Maybe work to elaborate more on each situation, or omit some situations that you only mention briefly and draw out the more important ones. For example, the part where the main character's parents reveal that their child was adopted is crucial to this story; I'd like to see that drawn out more. As far as grammatical errors are concerned, there's minor instances in the piece where you word choice or tenses do not line up. The errors are easily fixable, though.
I also liked the description of the house as "the compound" since when physically described it sounds like a lovely house but it has this suffocating effect on the character so that he feels alone there. The moment you described the house and then referred to it as "the compound" I was hooked since I wanted to know the meaning behind the name.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you included that quote from the TV pastor in the story since the quote, itself, poses an interesting question and ties in real well with your story. I thought the way you used the quote to bring the story full circle at the end was really well done.
I love your story because I felt that it was raw, true, and something that I think all of us can relate to in terms of feeling invisible.
ReplyDeleteThere was one line in particular that I really liked because of this:
, “Why haven’t I accomplished anything yet?” I have yet to figure out the answer and I’m tired of being treated as if I don’t exist.
Moreover, I like how there are moments when you choose certain words that connect the character’s past self with his present self.
“Dad, do you love me?” and received no response. I asked again just in case he didn’t hear me and I still received no response. Am I invisible? Did I die and not realize I’m a ghost? Why isn’t he answering my question?”
It shows that connection of how the character used to ask himself that question, but it’s still a question he asks when you write, “Did I die and not realize I’m a ghost? Why isn’t he answering my question?” It’s that shift in verbs that allows that. So, awesome job.
Also, I like how you manage to put it into the perspective of a child, and how a child would react to their father behaving in such a way.
“I ran around the house looking for my mother and asked her ‘Can you see me?’”
There were moment, however, where I wish I could have read more dialogue. You do a good job of saying the most with actions alone, but sometimes dialogue can be just as effective. There is one instance in which you talk of how his cousin gives the main character drugs. It’s definitely one of the pivotal moments, but I wish you could have maybe provided a scene for that moment.
Also, there are times in which you use dialogue, but the dialogue seems stiff for the circumstances.
“Because there’s something your father and I need to tell you. After she had the baby, I volunteered to take care of it. I wanted a child but didn’t have a husband at the time to give me one. That child is you.
“What? So you’re telling me that you guys aren’t my real parents?” My mom said, “Yes we are, well not biological but DNA doesn’t mean anything.”
“Why are just now telling me this?” “So that woman who called earlier wasn’t lying? She’s my real mom?”
Mom said, “Unfortunately that is the case.”
I just feel like this scene could have expanded more, and that it could have been more effective and raw like the rest of the story is.
I feel the strength of this story is its traightforward tone. We can feel the confusion and dissapointment.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Veronica, you should expand on that important scene when the main character's life perception totally changes.
It is clear for the audience to see how affected emotionally and mentally the main character is about the powerful realization of discovery those people around you that are not biologically related. The fact that the character can only happily function when they are high is sad for me, and thus displays to the reader how damaged the character really is.
ReplyDeleteI think you could spend time on adding detail to how the character deals with the new realization about his parents.
First of all, this piece illustrates your resiliency and tenacity. As the cliche saying goes, you should always try to walk a mile in someone's shoes. Though reading this story brings me nowhere close to that, it certainly helps to start the journey.
ReplyDeleteI really felt for you throughout the entire story. The only thing I would say is that I would like more story. You do a very good job of telling the reader about your emotions, but it would make the story much stronger if you were able to illustrate that through different scenes. I understand that this must be extremely hard to talk about, but this has the potential to be a very good piece, and with some more story, it could be just that.