FRUITFUL

Alyssa Patterson

It all started three weeks ago. It was a Sunday morning, so as usual I was sitting in church with my parents and my sister. The priest, Father Joseph, was a dinosaur and I could hardly keep up with what he was droning on about. I grabbed the Bible from my mother, however, to look at the reading, which she had so piously marked with a labeled post-it. Genesis 1: 26- 31. Fatefully, I read over the passage, an instance that rarely occurs and one phrase spoke out to me. Verse 28.

“And God blessed them: and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Be fruitful and multiply. I had heard it hundreds of times before but it never resonated with me as it did that day. God wants me to make babies.

I felt enlightened. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was not looking for a loophole in the grand holy scheme of God. I simply never saw that verse the way it presented itself to me then. Of course I wasn’t supposed to just have sex out of wedlock. Whoever wrote the Bible probably figured the only people making babies would be married and so condemned any other kind of sex. In reality, anyone can be fruitful or multiply married or not. So I took it unto myself as a new mission. I was going to fulfill God’s will.

I thought about telling my sister all of this but then decided against it. She wouldn’t understand. Anyways, weren’t saints’ lives supposed to be full of disapproval and misunderstanding from others? I prepared myself for great suffering. The fact is, when doing the will of God, it often requires a lifetime of hardships and denial. I was prepared though, and I absolutely expected canonization.

So I immediately got to work the next day at school. I was and still am in my junior year of high school, which is apparently not a good time to find someone suitable to pass genes on with. On top of that, I had just gotten my period so I was off to a horrid start. I scoped out possible mates in all six of my classes. It did not look promising. One of the football players was in my biology class and he would be a great candidate, but last I heard he has a girlfriend. I considered this swimmer from my English class who has smiled at me a few times now but he has horrible B.O. so I ruled him out as well.

During lunch, I went to the library, as usual. I hated going to lunch and socializing with people I only pretended to like. Often, I was the sad-looking girl spending precious socialization hours in the library, including time afterschool. If the librarian weren’t such a total bitch I would probably spend even more time in there. She always there at the check-out counter like she wants to kill herself, as if she’s not getting paid to sit on her ass all day. One Friday I asked her how many movies I could check out at once (exciting weekend ahead of me) and she sighed and told me three. As if I was such a burden. As if anyone would be bothered or even notice if I checked out five (the more reasonable number that I had narrowed my choices down to). She was just a bitter old hag.

This particular day, I was preparing to ask her where the religious section was located. I was determined to research the lives of key saints. Of course I got cut in line by some asshole. He just hopped right in front of me and started asking something about science fiction. Lame. But then he turned around, and I saw how incredibly attractive he was. I’d never seen him before; he must be a new student. The librarian witch was all perked up and smiling at him when he walked away. She’d never done that for me. I gave her elevator eyes and walked away to follow this new possibility.

As I expected, he walked to the science fiction section. He was probably a total weirdo with my luck. But he had fantastic calves and so it didn’t even matter to me. I thought it was odd he didn’t have a backpack but I figured he probably left it at some desk. I scanned him up and down like a price check. He had straight blonde hair and golden tanned skin with perfect biceps just barely bulging through his t-shirt. He must have been an athlete. This was verified when I noticed he had on running shoes. If I wasn’t following a Divine plan, I would almost be nervous about approaching him.

We finally reached the sci-fi section and seemed to know exactly what he was looking for. He didn’t browse at all, which was a bummer, because it would have made it so easy to start a conversation. He pulled a few books off the shelves and didn’t either didn’t notice or didn’t care that I was standing literally four feet away just staring like some kind of demonic statue. I started getting annoyed, and he started walking away. I had to think fast.

“Wait!” I called out. He looked around. “Me?” he said. I couldn’t waste any time. I thought about the possibility of befriending him and taking this slow, but it didn’t appeal at the time because for some reason or another I blurted out, “Wanna have sex?”

He looked at me disgustedly and I felt incredibly self-conscious at that moment. Maybe I had done the wrong thing. Maybe it was all too freaky. No, I was a worker for God now. Nothing could be too extreme. I held my head high and straightened my back. I had God behind me, after all. What should I be afraid of?

He finally broke the silence. “Is this your idea of a joke?” he said, angrily.

I didn’t expect to offend anyone with my new mission; I could hardly see why he would even care if I did want to have sex with him. I replied no. What is with people these days? Maybe he was gay?

“I am brand new at this school and this is the welcome I get? Do you think that’s funny? You’re coming to the office with me immediately, young lady.”

Oh shit. I panic. How could I overlook the fact that he’s a teacher? Of course! No backpack, running shoes, friendly with the librarian. Shit! I never get in trouble. I completely freeze and don’t know what to do. I tried to explain myself and nothing came out. Of course the one fucking guy I find attractive is a new fucking teacher. Shit. I try to apologize but he’s furious. He’s convinced it’s some kind of practical joke or test. I consider agreeing that it was a joke but I cannot lie. I have to attest to my faith and stand up for God’s will. No matter what it means. I have to make this performance worthy of canonization.

“I am trying to do God’s will that is all. I don’t care whether or not you believe me, but I’m telling the truth. I am merely trying to follow His Divine path and if that is not a noble enough endeavor for you, I’m sorry. I did not realize you were a teacher and I apologize but you cannot possibly condemn me for simply following my God. Genesis 1 verse 28. Be fruitful and multiply! Does that mean nothing to you?! Because it means a lot to me.” I sigh and cover my eyes for dramatic impact.

I was grounded for over a year. Until I turn eighteen, are the words my dad used. My parents were livid when they got the call from my school. When I got home they looked like voracious bears guarding a cub. Except the exact opposite was happening. I thought for sure they were going to brutally murder me but instead, they made me promise that I understood that my mission was wrong and that I would completely abandon the plan. Not only was I not allowed out of the house, I was forbidden to be alone with any male under any circumstances. My parents were convinced I was some type of nympho waiting to throw myself onto the next guy I laid eyes on. As if. I guess I’ll just have to figure out some other way to gain my sainthood. Or just wait until I turn eighteen.