There are some hilarious turns of phrase in this. The story itself is really original and has a fabulous twist. The text itself seemed a little forced in places and clunky. Overall, very interesting idea and good execution.
Good intro. Enjoy the voice portrayed. Sets a good stage for the rest of the piece. I think the "it was as if someone had removed the pile of crap blocking my mind from seeing all the obvious clues..." is a poor simile. You could definitely use something more effective there. I liked the "one hour later" in place of the actual conversation. Think you could definitely dramatize each "mission" a little bit better. Add a level of suspense to it. You mention the kids shoe size, but how old is he? Maybe I read over it but I feel like its relevant to the struggle of the character. You have good use of dialogue, and the story flows well, but I think you could make it more exciting. Not sure what you were trying to get across with the whole Christopher Walken thing. Think you tried conveying the sound of his voice over the phone to portray familiarity, but it didn't resonate (for me). It's definitely comical, but I feel like I didn't get too much out of the piece as a whole. Maybe it was just meant to make the reader chuckle and smile. If that was the case, good job.
It's a story with Christopher Walken in it. Who can hate this? Besides this great nuance there is a very interesting journey going on in the story. Not only that it it is an interesting journey with kids at the focal point of it all.
This was extremely funny. There was a lot of dialogue. It was not a bad thing though. It was enough to get your points across. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. The character development was good and i feel that i got to know them pretty well. I just wish that ages and place were identified early n the piece.
I liked the story. It was pretty funny, especially the ending. I thought the plot was really interesting. I characters seem well developed. Overall it was a great story.
There are some hilarious turns of phrase in this. The story itself is really original and has a fabulous twist. The text itself seemed a little forced in places and clunky. Overall, very interesting idea and good execution.
ReplyDeleteVery funny. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteGood intro. Enjoy the voice portrayed. Sets a good stage for the rest of the piece. I think the "it was as if someone had removed the pile of crap blocking my mind from seeing all the obvious clues..." is a poor simile. You could definitely use something more effective there.
ReplyDeleteI liked the "one hour later" in place of the actual conversation.
Think you could definitely dramatize each "mission" a little bit better. Add a level of suspense to it. You mention the kids shoe size, but how old is he? Maybe I read over it but I feel like its relevant to the struggle of the character.
You have good use of dialogue, and the story flows well, but I think you could make it more exciting.
Not sure what you were trying to get across with the whole Christopher Walken thing. Think you tried conveying the sound of his voice over the phone to portray familiarity, but it didn't resonate (for me).
It's definitely comical, but I feel like I didn't get too much out of the piece as a whole. Maybe it was just meant to make the reader chuckle and smile. If that was the case, good job.
It's a story with Christopher Walken in it. Who can hate this? Besides this great nuance there is a very interesting journey going on in the story. Not only that it it is an interesting journey with kids at the focal point of it all.
ReplyDeleteGreat title. Need I say more?
ReplyDeleteThis was extremely funny. There was a lot of dialogue. It was not a bad thing though. It was enough to get your points across. I enjoyed it from beginning to end. The character development was good and i feel that i got to know them pretty well. I just wish that ages and place were identified early n the piece.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story. It was pretty funny, especially the ending. I thought the plot was really interesting. I characters seem well developed. Overall it was a great story.
ReplyDelete