A Little Breath of Heaven

A Play in One Act by Antonia Finizio

Characters:

ED: Nondescript white man in expensive clothing, obsessively on-spot diction, far overdressed for the diner, late 30s.

MAVE: Buxom redhead, wearing as a top a black lace shawl tied at her side, showing off a red bra, speaks with the general accent of the uneducated, late 20s/early 30s.

EVRONA: African-American waitress, very attractive, very consciously wearing a form-fitting blue uniform, high heels, and provocative walk, strong Southern accent, early 20s.

YOUNG MAN: white, long-haired, casual clothing, early 20s/college age.

YOUNG WOMAN: white, his girlfriend, same age, same style, dreadlocks, deaf.

BUSBOY: gawky teenager in an ill-fitting uniform (race unimportant).

COOK: suspiciously prison-like tattoos, mid 40s (race unimportant)

Setting:

A grungy diner, black and white checkers with unholy red tables and chairs. A faded cardboard cutout of Betty Boop in the corner on which doodlers have added a mustache. There are 5 tables, two prominently forward and center, the only part of the stage well-lit at the outset, and a counter at the back. The diner set is fourth wall open, with small bathrooms on either side of the main room and a propped open door to the kitchen in the back wall. Women’s Room is on Stage R, Men’s Room on Stage L. No bathroom set is required but a cracked mirror in the Women’s Room. A projection screen that drops down in front of the diner is needed.

Throughout the play:

Extras at two or three other tables maintain a murmur without discernible words. Kitchen workers come in and out of the back door shouting orders. Sounds of a nearby highway play. Background noise levels rise and fall at the director’s discretion.

Act I: Scene I: Right, Left, and Love

ED and MAVE sit at the table centerstage, MAVE on the Stage L side, ED Stage R. At the other center table, YOUNG MAN and YOUNG WOMAN sit so that YOUNG MAN is facing ED. They talk with sign language; only YOUNG MAN speaks aloud as he signs. HE also can’t seem to look away from MAVE. After the lights go up, there is silence between ED and MAVE as HE texts and SHE sketches on a napkin, just long enough to make the audience shift uncomfortably and wonder if someone has forgotten their lines.

(MAVE sighs.)

ED

Don’t complain now, doll.

(MAVE slams her pen down.)

ED

Sorry. Don’t complain now, Mave.

MAVE

What the fuck would I be complainin’ about? I’m charmed.

ED

Let’s start practicing language for polite society, doll. (Beat of furious silence.) Mave.

MAVE

Why the fuck would I complain? I’m enchanted.

(They make eye contact for the first time.)

ED

You remembered to fix your dangling preposition. Praise Jesus. (Signals for a waitress.) Let’s get this over with.

MAVE

Oh, give ‘em time, ya prick. Look, the other waiter’s flirtin’ her up. Let the young love blossom. Like a red, red, rose. (Jumps to write that down.) Oh, don’t they remind you of us, all of a couple months back? What’re you going on about, anyway? Praisin’ your Jesus now? Ain’t it praise Henry Ford? Anyway, I could stay here forever!

ED

I find it truly atrocious.

MAVE

(Writing.) The dive or the young love? Spell that big word for me, won’t ya, Eddie?

ED

My life and everything in it. Except you, of course.

MAVE

A-tro-cious. A-T-R-O-S-H-U-S?

(ED signals for a waitress.)

Meaning: opposite of enchanted.

ED

You should utilize that new vocabulary when you meet my father. Sarcastically, you understand. He’ll say “I’m enchanted, Mave,” and you’ll say “Well, I’m atrocious, Reverend.” He loves jokes like that.

MAVE

Really? Well ya know I love jokes! And I can’t stand people who don’t get smart ones. The more you tell me things like that, the more I just don’t understand why you don’t think we won’t get along.

ED

That’s- Yes, it’s true, both of you are as hilarious as the idea that someone got paid for this décor.

MAVE

It’s local color, Eddie! Don’t be rude.

ED

Sure, doll. There’s a lot of color here. Half of it’s giving me a headache and the other half’s not giving me food. Fucking- (Gets up, muttering angrily, and goes to where EVRONA and BUSBOY are adding detailed female anatomy to Betty Boop.)

MAVE

(Suddenly talking with slightly better diction, partly to herself, but sideways so that YOUNG MAN can hear her. Still sketching.) Idiot. Like I don’t know the racist asshole’s gonna go feel up that poor little girl. Teacher told me once a nice watch attracts stupid girls. Grandma told me once a nice watch attracts pretty girls. Both were right. Who am I to mess with the trite wisdoms of my elders? I could add some lines though.

YOUNG MAN

(Managing to say it to both MAVE and YOUNG WOMAN.) And what would you say, love?

MAVE

First, remember that a watch don’t have magnetism powerful enough to attract two different types of women.

(ED slips EVRONA some money, leaning over the counter and whispering in her ear. HER eyes widen, then SHE nods slowly and comes around from behind the counter.)

Second, it’s the nice suit that spreads the legs.

(EVRONA and ED whisper more, arguing. HE shakes his head and SHE shrugs.)

EVRONA

I’ll be in there when you’re ready.

MAVE

Last, that watch’s a fake.

(ED and EVRONA make their way to the table. ED points her in front of him and enjoys his view.)

EVRONA

Welcome to A Little Breath of Heaven Diner on Route 69 (dispensing menus). My name’s Evrona. What can I get for y’all today?

ED

Well, good afternoon, Evrona, you can call me Ed. In fact, please call me Ed. I’d like an egg salad sandwich on whole wheat with chips and a Diet Pepsi.

MAVE

Oh, that’s a lovely name! Is it a old s- uh- fam’ly name?

EVRONA

I’s from the Bible. Same one you use, last I checked. It means “rage overflowin.” Pause. Now what can I get for y’all?

MAVE

Oh, it couldn’t be the same Bible I use, not unless you mean Cosmo. You’d wanna talk to Eddie here ‘bout that. Who’da ever thought little ol’ me would be goin’ into business- I mean getting’ hitched with- the Reverend’s son? Anyway, Elvira, we were just talking about the dee-core. I find it absolutely ravishingly atrocious the way the picnic checkered floor clashes with this metallica red.

(Pause.)

ED

That- doll- none of that was remotely- no, Ed, it’s not worth it.

EVRONA

If she ain’t right in the head or sumthin, I got other tables, Ed. (Pointing to a NO SHOES NO SHIRT NO SERVICE sign.) Shouldn’ even legally serve her. I’s a personal favor to y’all.

MAVE

(Ignoring her.) Eddie, don’t talk to yourself, it’s rude. (To EVRONA.) Don’t mind him, he has trouble thinkin’ about two things at once.

EVRONA

I’m havin’ some trouble getting’ two orders at once, but I don’ usually.

MAVE

Yes, I’m quite taken with this little place. It’s, what’s the word- kitschy. Catchy? Crusty? That ain’t right… anyway, let me see this charming tear on the menu. Oh, it goes right over the world famous specials. Ain’t that poetic? Poetic! This place is oh, so poetic. There’s a story here, beneath the surface. Somethin’ nobody’d see but an artist. You gotta be on the lookout, ya know? You sure are lucky to work here, Eva.

(Pause.)

ED

Shut up, doll. (Takes her menu and hands it EVRONA.)

EVRONA

Alright. It’d be real poetic if cook ‘n I surprise you with our favorite special for guests who really seem to belong here, k, baby?

MAVE

Well, aren’t you a doll? Thank you, Erma. But let cook know I’m only drinking ice water. That Diet Coke gives you cancer.

(Pause.)

EVRONA

I’m sure he can fry that up jus’ for you.

MAVE

Thanks so much! Oh, and, before you go, I see the Little Boy’s Room there across from me, where’s the Ladies’ Room at? Also, I don’t eat calories. Thanks, Esmerelda.

(Pause.)

EVRONA

Can’t help you, baby. I get lost in here all the time. I usually just give up and use the Little Boy’s room.

MAVE

Oh, that’s all right. Thank you!

(EVRONA goes and tosses their orders on the counter without informing anyone they are there, then proceeds to the Men’s Room, putting an OUT OF ORDER sign on the door.)

Wow, she wasn’t kidding! Well, I’d rather not risk that, I don’t have a sign, wouldn’t wanna be propositioned in there by some creep or somethin’… I’ll go ahead and go on a search for the Ladies’ Room. Don’t miss me too much, Eddie.

ED

That’s beyond my capacity, doll.

(Furious silence.)

Go on, doll. What are you waiting for?

(MAVE gets up and begins to slowly circle the diner, stopping to examine various paint chips, wall graffiti, etc.)

ED

(Examining MAVE’s napkin.) Damn it all to Hell, the bitch has talent. (He looks up and realizes that YOUNG MAN is eavesdropping.) I’m not sure how much it could be worth when her right brain seems to have entirely eaten the left. Well, that’s what Eddie’s for. Fucking hell. What has a good businessman’s life come to when he’s bringing that set of tits home to prove he’s still got it? Can you figure out how lace lingerie furthers an artist’s ability to put on a successful gallery show? Me, neither, but Excel- I- can figure out that it seriously cuts into profits.

(YOUNG MAN shrugs awkwardly. YOUNG WOMAN is clearly confused by the gesture.)

You know it’s a recession. I can’t wait to see how you handle it. Damn hippie, you judge me when you can afford a real haircut. I hope you know you’re both representing your failing liberal arts college with perfectly disgusting stereotypes.

(ED turns around to see that MAVE has found the Women’s Room. HE rips the napkin in half and goes to join EVRONA in the Men’s Room. As HE goes to grab her waist SHE holds out her hand and HE reluctantly hands over his watch. SHE stores it her bra and they begin heavily making out. EVRONA’s eyes remain open.)

MAVE

(Aligning her face so the crack in the mirror cuts it in half and laughing.) I am leaving here with a poem called… well, not The Crack, that’s no good. Huh. This one’s a crack and the menu was a tear. That makes this very tricky…

ED

Hold on. Hold on, doll. How long have we been here?

EVRONA

I dunno. Didja lose your watch? Bummer. So what’s with crazy chick, anyway? She don’ put out? Then why dress that way?

ED

Shut up. We’ve got to finish this soon.

EVRONA

Or is premarital lovin’ where the Reverend draws the line on his dolls?

ED

(Grabbing her shoulder and nervous about doing it.) Be careful, doll. I make more money in a week than you do in a year. She’s not my bitch, she’s- my sister. And investment.

MAVE

Crossing What’s Important. Cutting in Half What’s Important. I’m getting’ there.

EVRONA

Really, Reverend? What do you even care whether I leave here thinkin’ you’re holy or Lucifer? Far as I’m concerned, everybody who comes through here is both ‘til they prove ‘emselves with a tip. ‘Course if you ain’t lying, you might wanna see a shrink ‘bout why you call both your sis and your holy hookups ‘doll.’ Or, even simpler, why your sis says you’re getting’ hitched.

ED

(Making a move as though to hit her but backing off.) I have a better name for you, then. Fucking nigger cunt. You got my worst watch and it could pay for a car better than the likes of you deserve. Now do what you’ve been fucking told.

(Under MAVE’s dialogue, EVRONA backs off and opens her mouth as though to scream. ED covers her mouth, they struggle briefly, and HE pays her off again. SHE beckons for more, calmly takes it, then swiftly kicks him between the legs and runs out, leaving him on the ground. SHE removes the OUT OF ORDER sign and returns to BUSBOY.)

MAVE

(Turning away from the mirror to face front). Shit! Aw, shit. Poems ain’t part o’ Sir Fucking Edward’s gallery. It can be a poem that goes with a painting- no! No, fuck you, Ed. (Turning back to the mirror and carefully standing to ‘poetically’ place the crack again.) It’s your gallery, bitch. Your hands, your spread legs that keep it up now, and your poetry reading if you damn well please. His money started it, maybe you could give ‘im that. Nah, only if it were money he earned somehow, not a fucking bankruptcy settlement. (Laughs.) Good business.

EVRONA

(Lazily handing off ED’s and MAVE’s orders to COOK.) Spit in both. Shit in the top one, too. (To BUSBOY.) Hey, baby, can you bring two regular Cokes to the front table?

(MAVE comes out of the bathroom. SHE sees the table empty and the napkin torn, and meets EVRONA’s eyes for a long moment. BUSBOY bumps into her shoulder and puts the Cokes down.)

BUSBOY

Excuse me, ma’am.

MAVE

Run back to Evrona there, boy. Long as you’re cool knowing she’ll never touch you but you’ll keep doin’ her work.

(Turns and leaves swiftly. YOUNG MAN openly watches her go, and opens his mouth, but SHE is gone.)

(Another diner opens the Men’s Room door. Furious, ED scrambles to his feet and limps out as fast as he can. As HE reaches the table, an exaggeratedly loud car starts up offstage. HE punches the wall, throws the napkin to the floor, and collapses in his seat.)

(YOUNG MAN jumps to his feet and retrieves the napkin. YOUNG WOMAN runs to the Women’s Room, beginning to cry. HE puts the napkin together as the lights dim and the projector screen falls, showing the torn napkin. The expert sketch shows a detailed human brain, the tear cutting the hemispheres in half. In the left hemisphere is ED’s watch, and the right a paintbrush and typewriter. Beneath in clumsy handwriting, all spelled correctly:

My love is like a red, red rose, Grasp it at the base and it stabs you with its woes.

Eddie: Atrocious, appalling, abhorrent, horrendous, heinous, repulsive.)

The End.