Vertigo State
Everything was in slow motion as I walked
Down the hall to my childhood room.
Clutching my dust mask to my face,
I saw wood, dirt, and cotton fibers of ceiling litter every inch of floor
As spindly, dark green mold crept up the walls, laughing at me.
I ignored the Mold’s laughter.
It knew something I didn’t, but I didn’t care.
I rushed on with so many cares in my heart.
A will to come home as soon as possible,
But not to such a broken down estate.
The smell of humid mold slapped me in reaction.
As I went to see my disheveled room,
Coughing, sniffling, sneezing uncontrollably,
That same smell intensified its blows as I walked.
I remembered seeing this, like déjà vu, but it was just a dream.
I dreamed myself walking down this same path.
I was headed towards my room to see the destruction,
But there was something following me.
Some kind of chill, invisible to the naked eye,
Kept caressing my shoulder, pulling me back.
I fought my way to my room, after such a long walk,
And I stepped inside a deadly room.
Squish, Squish, breathed the repulsive, water soaked carpet.
My sister’s childish toys, our uniforms and play clothes, books, shelving, Everything slept on the grey-brown, dirty floor.
A menacing laugh greeted me as I came in.
Then, I saw what I was looking for.
My bed, yet, it was no longer mine.
This chill that followed me I recognized as Death,
Coming to claim what it desired, a sacrifice.
Death had followed me; ready to claim a treasure.
It seemed to want to stay behind,
To wait and watch my every move,
To see what fate I would choose:
Fight for life, give up completely, or go down deeper into hell.
Blankets of ceiling, dirt, and mold cradled my bed.
For me to claim it back, I had to sleep on it, one last time,
Encompass my face in this death bed that no longer belonged to me,
Breathe in the moldy smell that engulfed every part of the house.
I had to become one with my tortured bed.
Thinking, contemplating, deciding,
I didn’t give my life to Death,
I didn’t even claim back my bed from him.
I rose above my pain and loss as
Acceptance swelled deep into my tired, green eyes.
The chill formed a hand that gently grasped mine.
It caringly pulled me towards the door to walk me out.
It claimed my memories, it claimed my room.
As torn as I was, I agreed to leave this dream,
Holding hands with Death.
Godschild
I looked for you, but you left me.
I cried out for you, but you didn’t hear me.
I was scared, you never tried to comfort me.
I was lost, you never tried to find me.
I stood there hoping you would send a light,
Hoping you would send an angel.
I wanted you to send me something,
But you not only ignored me, you overlooked me.
I had so much love,
But I revoked any love reserved for you.
I was always talking to you as if you were there,
But I could no longer fathom speaking of you.
I could no longer cry, could no longer feel.
I could no longer care about anything anymore.
You stole everything that defined who I was.
You are to blame for what became of me.
You took it all away when you birthed that disaster.
You created it to be so strong that you displaced me.
You took away my home; you took away my life,
You lost my heart and soul for what you did to me.
Now what was I to do? Bath in my sorrows?
No. I shut you out for good.
No more church, no more prayers.
No more was I going to care.
You should have been there,
But you never showed up.
I looked and cried.
You gave me no response.
You saw me scared; you saw me lost.
Did you do anything for me?
You did. You just left me behind.
You deserted me when I needed you most of all.
Do you even remember that day?
The day I lost all hope in you,
The day you turned my pure soul black?
Did you ever even care what happened to me?
Beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteI loved these. Favorite line: "Squish, Squish, breathed the repulsive, water soaked carpet."
I favored the first because the imagery was so so rich. I could see the damage and smell the mold. In "Godschild" you worked a lot in abstractions and concepts that I couldn't see or touch or smell or hear. I wanted a little more of that, but i loved the concept.
I love the way you personified the mold in the first poem. Laughing mold sounds like something straight out of a really terrifying nightmare.
Beautiful job!!
Emma :)
I loved Vertigo State! The imagery was amazing. I felt like I could smell and feel everything happening in the poem, which was really cool because I usually only "see" things. The only line I felt to be a tiny bit awkward was "It knew something I didn’t, but I didn’t care."
ReplyDeleteAs for Godschild, I agree with Emma that it was a bit too much abstraction for me. I don't really know what you were talking about, but maybe that's how you meant it to be! Plus, I suck at understanding poetry, so it could just be me!!
Overall, great job!!
I enjoyed reading this. My breathing changed as you spoke about death when you saw your bed. That's when you know you're reading something good.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what exactly happened. If I had to guess, I'd say you had been a victim to flooding.
Vertigo State: For me it was obvious you were in your post Katrina house. I feel like it's clear but then again I'm from here so I assume everything is somehow a reference to Katrina. I didn't think I was going to like the personification of Death but I did. I did think you overdid the mold, that word appears like four times and gets personified in three different ways. It's like you couldn't think of what else to focus on. remember "heart" is an abstraction the way you use it and be careful of that throughout. In terms of formatting, I'd like to see this without the beginning of every line capitalized, it confused my reading of it.
ReplyDeleteGodschild: I appreciate this one. The end of each stanza ends with a direct address to God, which I think is a solid choice but I feel like you could pack so much more power into them. Instead of the repeated "You did [this]"structure, try something concrete like "You sold clouds for wine"--I mean something that actually makes sense but make it concrete so images show what God did. Alright girl, lets have the talk about abstractions. This poem needs something of an abstraction intervention. It's about God, so that's a real challenge but there are ways to do it without loosing your images. "heart," "soul" "anything" "everything" can all be so much more specific and concrete. And lets face it, "pure soul black" is right up there with "my love is like a red, red rose" in terms of tiredness and innate clicheness, except its also abstract and sentimental.
Whoo, sorry about that, I come from a harsh workshopping background. But really, solid job overall, especially for early endeavors.
I favored Vertigo State. The imagery in the poem was so vivid, and I felt like I was there with you, like I was experiencing this too. My favorite line is the last line "as torn as I was I decided to leave this dream holding hands with death." Really nice.
ReplyDeleteGodchild was good but I think it could be better. I agree that it does have a lot of abstractions but I think it works for you. I like how in the end you question God, because I think we all at one point or another questions the presence of God in our lives.
Your work is really good, and you are so much better at poetry than I am!
I agree with pretty much everyone that I prefer Vertigo State because of the detail/abstraction difference, but Godschild has lots of potential. It was definitely very moving even as is, and I understand your trouble in thinking that the abstractions can be powerful. I do agree that sometimes you need them, especially in a poem about God, but just a few significant details would drive it that much farther home.
ReplyDeleteVertigo State proves that that's a talent you definitely have! Personally, I can't decide whether I think the mold is overused- I thought it was, then read it again and changed my mind. But either way, you've done great things with it. I am confused about the one time "the Mold" is capitalized. I think that would be a good move with the personification, but capitalization doesn't usually come after a "the" like that. Since we already know that mold is a thing without personality, personification is more effective when you give the object a full name, you know what I mean?
I really liked "A will to come home as soon as possible,
But not to such a broken down estate."
Also, one of the most powerufl things for me is the very last stanza where I really realized that if Death doesn't take the narrator, it will take the childhood/memories. It's a great, full-circle theme, but it almost slipped past me- if asked to summarize the poem, I would simply say "the narrator avoided Death," and there's more going on! Maybe another stanza or some kind of ending couplet emphasizing and wrapping that up?
Good job!
The first poem was beautiful! The imagery was so powerful.I wasn't too sure exactly what it was about, but it reminded me of when I went into my house after Katrina. I felt the exact same way. Beautiful! I loved the last line!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I felt the second poem had too many abstractions and I wasn't sure what was going on. Some of the lines reminded me of a song and not poetry. Other than that, great job!
I liked the first piece a lot! I agree with Zara, though, I think you describe the mold too often. I liked the idea of it "laughing" though, I thought that was done really well. I also knew you were talking about post-Katrina, but that may be because we talked about it.
ReplyDeleteYou told me about the piece before I read it, so I went into it thinking about the criticisms you already knew. To an extent, I do think the idea of death personified is a cliche. I think "menacing laugh" is more telling than showing, how was it menacing? What does that mean? I'd like more detail with the description. I guess what I mean is less describing, more explaining.
The second piece was interesting. Again, I agree with Zara about the abstractions and some of the language. "Pure soul black" could definitely be described in a more interesting/different way.
I also would like to see the poem without it being capitalized every line. That's a pet peeve about poetry for me, it interrupts my flow of reading poems.
Overall, your concepts are good twists on old topics. Just a little more clarity would be great.
<3 <3 Liv (you got two hearts).
Along with everyone else, I feel that Vertigo State has something that the second poem is missing. The imagery vs. the abstractions does have something to do with it, as others have said, but I feel that there's probably a way to make the abstractions work to your advantage. I personally enjoy an abstraction everyone once in a while in poetry.
ReplyDeleteThe first one obviously must be about returning to a post Katrina house in the city. The personification you give to the death and mold, etc. are absolutely wonderful. Those two things alone made the poem for me.
One of the reasons I believe that you could make the abstractions in the second poem work is because I feel (though I may be wrong) that these poems compliment each other.
In Vertigo State I really like the description or the chill pulling back on your shoulder. The images were good and descriptive. It definitely made me think of Katrina. Also the idea of this taking place in your own bedroom was relatable. Everybody has their own relationship with their bedroom and I think that worked towards your advantage. I also like the title, and reference to deja vu. I do think that you might be able to do a little more with the images and motions to make it seem a little more dreamlike, or surreal.
ReplyDeleteIn Godschild
At first I thought this was just a sad poem "I" "You" poem about a relationship, but I had totally forgotten the title. I thought that it was good but could use some more variation. It seems to get a little repetitive. I could already guess that the "you" was just going to continue fucking you over. I think you might be able to make it a little more dynamic, and a little less vague. Maybe you could add a little more scene.
Great work! Glad to see someone get some more poetry on this blog!
ReplyDeleteVertigo State:
Interesting descriptions, great idea for this poem, too. I like the idea of you returning to your childhood home post-Katrina (if that is indeed, what it is about). However, I though the word "mold" was used a bit too much. You name the mold in every stanza and it gets repetitive, to me. We know it's the mold making you sneeze and dizzy, you don't need to say it's the mold each time. Even better, use appositives to describe it, giving a fresh description each time.
You've really got some gems in your descriptions! I'd do some cutting and sift those out.
Also, a suggestion: you are kind of working with two themes here: the theme of the Mold and the theme of Death, both personified. Maybe only stick with one? In the second stanza, you capitalize "Mold" and it draws a lot of attention to it, then don't really return to this personification. I'd stick with it, I like that idea more than the personification of Death.
Very good lines in here!
Godschild:
I love love this idea, I've written a poem similar to this before.
I do agree with everyone else about these pesky "abstractions;" you could really transform this poem into a Creative Nonfiction or something--it could be a good way to bring up a certain instance for "losing your faith." Like "The Thread!"
you could also maybe choose one example of this loss and use that in the poem instead, to make it a bit more concise. Good lines, again, and great descriptions.
DISCLAIMER: I'm in a Reading Poetry class right now which has "hot-wired" my brain for poetry analyses. I didn't mean to write 2 novels as my responses; hope this wasn't too long-winded or full of hot air.
Bon travaille, bien sur!
"Vertigo State" has some very good lines in it. My favorites are: "Some kind of chill, invisible to the naked eye,/
ReplyDeleteKept caressing my shoulder, pulling me back." and my favorite stanza was "A menacing laugh greeted me as I came in./ Then, I saw what I was looking for./ My bed, yet, it was no longer mine./ This chill that followed me I recognized as Death,/ Coming to claim what it desired, a sacrifice." The first poem has some very good parts in it. However, the personification is a little scattered at times. For example, the mold cradles, laughs, is menacing, knows, engulfs. Try focusing on one aspect of personification to give your piece more solidity.
As for "Godschild," it shows promise but it still needs some work. One of your stanzas is seemingly contradictary: "I had so much love,/
But I revoked any love reserved for you./ I was always talking to you as if you were there,/But I could no longer fathom speaking of you." The past tense and conditional are a little off putting. Maybe, you could switch the conditional tense to present to add some clarity: But I can no longer fathom speaking of you, instead of "could". By the way, lovely use of the word "fathom." It's one of my favorite words. Also, minor spelling error: "Now what was I to do? Bath in my sorrows?" should be "Bathe". I really love the title for the second poem, it's very apt, you just need some more concreteness to the poem itself.
I took a long time to comment because I'm not very good with poetry. However, I'll try. :)
ReplyDeleteI had a hard time figuring out what the first one meant. I think it's good, though. The flow is a little choppy, though, so maybe concentrate less on complete sentences and trust the words to speak for themselves.
For the second one...quick typo (bath --> bathe). I love this one. The title is very intriguing, and I like the overall feeling a lot. Again, the sentences make it a little choppy and calculated...just exercise more freedom with your language.
I enjoyed the first piece a lot. I would have liked to have some more imagery. I liked the first mold but I felt like it got repetitive. I would like to see and feel more. Even what the rest of the house looks like besides being covered with dust and mold. What was there that was destroyed etc. I too liked the personification of death. In Godschild, I would like to see more. I can understand the questioning as feeling left behind, confused, and lost but I'd like to picture this and feel it more.
ReplyDelete