You see it coming while you're blind
It develops within you slowly like a disease
Swearing it could never happen to you
And the pity for the ones who it’s done to
Could it be with the first sign?
No, that push is too simple to blame
You're fine when you're forced to notice your state
Sitting there, waiting for the moment
Oh, here it comes
You knew it would come
Before you could guess
The damage has begun
"You're a fucking piece of shit!"
Harsh words pour from his lips
Tears fall but they don't matter
If anything they fuel.
The insecurities are building
But so are his muscles, big, strong, and forceful
His face, cold and fierce with eyes that never lose focus
The rage, growing with every exhale
Pacing quickly in my direction I freeze
My body tenses with no chance to move
I've learned that lesson
My breath is held
I feel every inch quiver and tighten
My arms race to block when I see what's coming
With my eyes shut tight I feel pressure meet my chest
With all its force and rage behind it
I fall, instantly feeling the only boundary of his force, the wall
My back meets it first, and my head follows
Before I comprehend the contorted position I'm in
I am already being flipped again
"Please! Please!" It's not enough
"You dumb fucking cunt.
You were really going to leave me.
I'm sure you just want to be with someone else."
He spits on me before his palm lowers to grab hold a of my hair
There is no time to cry in between the gasps for air
The reactions of my hands grab a hold of his wrist as I scream
I cringe to the way my back is scraped
As I'm dragged to a bigger working station
My hand is free but I know I'm not
I stumble to even get to my knees
A left foot meets my ribcage
There I am coughing curled up in a ball on the floor
He continues to scream
I only catch every other "bitch" and "fuck"
I quickly try to stand as my head on the floor sees those shoes walking closer
I made it up
Congratulations
My right hand grips my ribs
While the left sweeps across my swollen eyes
Smearing mascara and tears
Now I can see I can see him right there in front of me
6'4 220 pounds staring down with disgust
I gulp hard and find the courage to say
"I'm done with this"
He stares at me as a grin crosses his clenched mouth
"I could have you right back to where you were."
I'm unsure if the force is worse than the manipulation
But there I am flying
This time there isn't a wall
But a coffee table to break my fall
Before laying on the ground
There is nothing to think or say
I can feel his fingers wrap around my neck
His grip tightens
My head becomes heavy as I feel the oxygen hit my tongue
My eyes feel as though they are bulging
And the seconds go by as my grip loosens around his arms
I'm released
Coughing and gasping for air
My hands struggle to find my neck
I'm surprised it’s still there
I hear his footsteps disappear
Down the hall and shut the door
My marks smolder at the edges
The colors of a dead soul
Lie motionless on the floor
As blood pours from the wounds I was left with
This horror plagues my thoughts
I’ve never felt so lost
Emptiness comes across me
As I struggle to stand up
My knees crumble to the pressure
I’m carrying the weight of the world on my back.
First let me apologize for this being late...I hope some of you are able to read this before class.
ReplyDeleteNow, I am sorry for the poem.. I cannot write poetry to save my life! ugh.
by the way, this is fiction..
oh and my punctuation did not come out on here right?
Danielle
I thought it was powerful without the punctuation. You also had some internal rhyme in here to break it up a bit. Your descriptions as well as how you led up to the struggle had me on the edge of my seat. Good job! Any title or did you not have one?
ReplyDelete"His face, cold and fierce with eyes that never lose focus/
ReplyDeleteThe rage, growing with every exhale"
I loved those lines! And the one about the smoldering wounds. Beautiful. I like the whole thing.
I don't know much about critiquing poetry, so I'm not really sure what to say. It was so vivid and terrifying. I could feel her adrenaline. I would love to see how you punctuated it and what you would title it!
Great job!!
PS: I think its hilarious that both of Monday's pieces have spousal abuse ending in a woman being thrown onto a coffee table...
maybe I should write it into my piece to keep up the pattern.
It's funny that yours and michael's both have a coffee table scene.
ReplyDeleteThis was intense, and also like katie, I felt it was powerful without punctuation because it felt that everything was moving quickly, which is what I think you were going for? haha. I loved how it was a full story in a piece of poetry. I also would like to see what you would title it. I loved your use of quotes within the lines; great idea!
I enjoyed this poem. It was truly intense and really captured abuse from a woman's point of view (if she were being abused)
ReplyDeleteI really would like to see the way that you intended this to be written because it is already powerful so maybe your format adds to that.
I'm not much of a poetry critic at all (because I am not a good poetry writer either) but I think that you did a really good job. Your poem was vivid and kind of came alive while I was reading it. You have some good rhymes and amazing imagery. Good work!
Thanks! There were just a few minor punctuation marks left out. Ex. a period after congratulations, but not too much. I kinda agree that I do like not having too much because it keeps the piece moving quickly.
ReplyDeleteWith all of the critiquing there are definitely a few more things i'd like to do with this..I think i just got tired of staring at it for awhile.
That is extremely odd... I just read the other piece and had absolutely no idea what it was even on! I was too busy staring at my poem ha! However, today now should be dedicated to the fight against domestic violence (against men and women)!
continue with the critiques!
Very intense. I like the prose-poem format and the lack of punctuation helps to keep the action going. Let's see, favorite lines: "My hand is free but I know I'm not" "My marks smolder at the edges/ The colors of a dead soul/ Lie motionless on the floor". I love these lines because they really characterize her entrapment in this relationship. I also like how the beginning takes abuse from a broader sense and shows how she finds herself in this situation. The man's dialogue in one line threw me off though, "I could have you right back to where you were". I wasn't sure what was intended with that line. I like the coincidence with the pieces being about abuse though, gives us a theme for today. Other than that, good work!
ReplyDeleteI could actually feel the pain the girl was going through. This poem invoked emotions of anger about her helplessness. This is really intense. I don't know much about poetry but I hear a sort of rhythm to it. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI read the comments and I sort of liked the lack of punctuation! It had a nice effect. I would like period after "Congratulations." It makes it clipped and curt.
ReplyDeleteOverall, nice imagery. Suggestions: Maybe cut some of the cursing, save those words for when the man is speaking. It puts him in a negative light. Also, maybe you should keep the Man's speech unenjambed. When you break his lines, it makes his speech seem poetic when it is certainly not. His unbroken lines will have an interesting effect when read.
Good work!
Ok. Yes, today should be Intro to Creative Writing's write against domestic violence day!!!
ReplyDeleteanyhow, I strongly feel this poem needs it's sentences back. A few periods could do wonders.
"Who it's done to" should be fixed so it's grammatically correct.
I feel the end rhymes should be done away with. They make a serious piece sound like a nursery rhyme. Kill them, but the internal rhymes really give a sense of music to contrast the chaos.
My mental picture of the scene was very vague, I would really like some strong imagery. I want to know where they are, what our narrator is like, and who her spouse is. All I know is he is big, and I guess in a house. You also have an opportunity here to break a cliche. Make the husband a unique individual in you description, not the stereotype wife-beater. Who is he and what makes him unique from other abusive men?
I think it would be a good experiment to see what this would be like as a prose poem. The lines all break at these very logical places without much poetic intent, and the piece has a distinct prosaic instinct. I think it wants to be in prose.
I agree with pretty much everything that has been said! Putting story arc and dialogue in a poem can get really awkward, but you pulled this off well. I agree with Zara a little that it might want to be prose, but I certainly think it works as a poem. The imagery and constant rush of emotions make it poetic to me.
ReplyDeleteThere were a lot of really good lines that hit me with the emotion of it, like the ones Emma pointed out. I really cringed at "He spits on me before his palm lowers to grab hold a of my hair/There is no time to cry in between the gasps for air."
I think my main criticism lines up with what's already been said- play around a little more with less obvious line breaks. Maybe accidentally losing your punctuation can help you step back and look at that.
I had to read this with several breaks because it was too overwhelming. SO powerful...I'm still too caught up in the raw emotion of it to comment on anything technical.
ReplyDeleteI love how the poem flows--everything just happens so fast, and there's a lot of thought overload, but there's still that way in real life, where it happens so fast but you tend to remember and see things in specific details? Very powerful. I like it. I'm sorry if I can't say more technical things? I'm not really good with poetry, but I like it.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm going to disagree with everyone except Zara and say that I actually would have liked to see the punctuation. I think it would have broken up the phrasing and the dialogue in a way that made the tone a little more clear. As it is, it's a great, emotional read, but I think we would have read it more as you intended it if we could see the punctuation. Silly Blogspot!
ReplyDeleteI love the way the action comes at us. I also really liked the way you related the intangible with the tangible (like the insecurities building, but also his muscles), it was a clever way to tie in the emotional and the psychical implications of being abused.
This is sort of a personal thing about poetry for me, but I hate when every line starts with a capital letter. Again, this is kind of "my thing," and I know there are probably people who disagree with me, but it kind of throws me off the way I read it.
Two lines before "Congratulations" you have "I quickly tried to stand as..." I think a stronger word than "quickly" would be more effective there for giving readers the imagery. Quickly is vague enough that it doesn't give a more solid feeling. A word like "scrambled" or something similar might convey the desperation/franticness of the movement that you were trying (I think) to imply. Poetry is all about the experience, so a stronger word might help readers experience it more.
Overall though, I enjoyed reading this. It was fast paced and scary, and you conveyed the emotion well. Good job!
<3 Liv
Yes, I agree. I'd like to make a really concrete structure while still letting it flow. I think there needs to be a few more punctuation marks, and I'd like to create some more vivid details.
ReplyDelete-Liv, I do like your suggestion with "quickly" and I've noticed a few other words I'd like to change up.
-Zara, I'm kinda torn between making the male character more of an individual because what I think is most important is his ability to abuse someone. Also, in my opinion, abusers definitely have a dual personality. One is charming while the other isn't, and each bad side is similar in the way of putting down someone and allowing anger to push any boundary. However, I do agree with setting more of scene and allowing the audience to see the place not just the people.
Thanks everyone for the advice and compliments!